Why I Stopped Defending Myself (And How It Changed Everything)

I’m about to get real vulnerable here because I want you to see just how much the Enneagram has supported my growth and improved my relationships — especially with my kids. But let me be clear upfront: it hasn’t been easy.

Looking at yourself with that level of honesty? It’s uncomfortable. Seeing the parts of yourself you don’t love — especially when those parts are tied to things you do love and are proud of — is a whole different kind of hard.

For me, being a “perfect mother” was one of those things. I poured everything into it — the love, the effort, the sacrifices. I was all in. My Type 4 heart wanted to be unique, special, and irreplaceable to my kids. My Type 1 tendencies? They wanted everything done right — schedules, rules, and all the "shoulds" that come with trying to be a "good mom." And then my Type 3 side? Oh, that one chased achievement in motherhood like it was a full-time job. I wanted to be seen as someone who did it all and did it well.

And you know what? Life didn’t care about my plans.

We work. We’re gone for 10 hours a day. We’re tired. We’re human. We have needs. We have relationships with people we can’t control. Life throws curveballs that don’t care how prepared or "perfect" you were trying to be. And no matter how many schedules, chore charts, and "I'm doing my best" mantras I set up, there were still moments when I missed it. I missed something. I misread a situation. I made a call that I thought was right at the time, only to see later that maybe it wasn’t.

The Moment I Realized I Needed to Change

Here’s the thing I’ve learned about being a Type 4, with my inner Type 1 critic and Type 3 drive whispering in my ear:
I don’t like being wrong.
I don’t like failing.
And I especially don’t like feeling misunderstood — especially when I know my heart was in the right place.

But kids? Kids have their own stories. And once they become adults, they start telling those stories. And you know what I realized? Their stories aren’t about me. Their stories are about them.

And, oh boy, putting on my big girl panties and learning to just listen to their stories without getting defensive was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

I used to jump in with:

• “That’s not what happened.”

• “I was just trying to protect you.”

• “I did that because I love you.”

But I’ve learned something: **That’s not listening.
**That’s defending.
That’s trying to rewrite their story with my intentions.

The Enneagram’s Role in My Shift

The Enneagram helped me see myself with clarity I didn’t have before. It helped me see my patterns, not as "bad traits" but as automatic habits driven by core fears and motivations. For me, it looked like this:

• My Type 4 need to feel special? I had to let that go. It’s not about me being a "special mom." It’s about them feeling seen.

• My Type 1 need to be right? I had to learn that “right” is subjective. Their experience is valid, even if it wasn’t my intention.

• My Type 3 need to achieve? Turns out, being “successful” as a mom isn’t about how it looks from the outside. It’s about the feel of the relationship.

Once I started seeing my blind spots, I realized I had been putting so much energy into looking like I was doing a good job that I missed opportunities to just be present. I was managing the task of being a mom, but the relationship was where the gold was. It wasn’t easy to face, but I’m grateful I did.

How I Show Up Now (And What Changed)

Now, when my kids tell me their stories — their versions of our life together — I listen.
I don’t rush to correct them.
I don’t explain myself.
I just… listen.

And let me tell you, the elephants that used to sit in the room? They’re gone. No one’s tiptoeing around trying to protect each other's feelings anymore. We can have honest conversations without everyone walking on eggshells. It’s not just healthy — it’s fun. We laugh, we joke, we get into it — and we all know we can come back stronger.

The Hardest Lesson I’ve Learned (And I’m Still Learning It)

Your kids don’t need you to be perfect.
They don’t even need you to be right.
They need you to see them.

They need to know that when they tell you their story, you won’t try to erase it, correct it, or "fix it" with a list of why you did what you did. They just want you to say, “I hear you. That sounds hard.”

If you’re thinking, “Well, that sounds simple enough,” I promise you it’s not. It takes humility. It takes pulling your Type 1, Type 3, and Type 4 selves aside and telling them, “Not today, friends. We’re just gonna listen.”

But once you do, the whole energy shifts. The elephants pack up and leave. The air gets lighter. The connection gets deeper.

How to See Yourself More Clearly (And Take Action)

If you’re navigating your own messy middle — with kids, partners, or anyone you’re in close relationship with — here’s what I want you to ask yourself:

1. Am I listening to understand, or am I listening to defend?

2. Am I trying to protect my image of being a 'good person,' or am I creating a safe space for this person to be honest with me?

3. Can I sit with the discomfort of not being "right" and still trust that I am enough?

It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. My kids are proof of that. Our relationships are better than they’ve ever been. We see each other, not as "parent and child" but as people. And that? That’s the kind of connection I wanted all along.

Where Do You See Yourself in This Story?

Maybe you’ve been stuck in the role of "explaining yourself" in your relationships.
Maybe you’re the one defending yourself, waiting for someone to "get it."
Maybe you’ve been trying to be perfect instead of present.

Wherever you are in your journey, know that it’s okay. This is the work. The Enneagram isn’t here to box you in — it’s here to show you your patterns so you can make new choices.

If this story resonated with you, I’d love to hear about it.

What part of your Enneagram type shows up when you’re listening to others? Do you defend, explain, or try to be “right”?

Drop your reflections in the comments. Let’s do this work together.

Love is ALL there is

Diana

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