When Two Truths Are True

I watched a dear friend do the hard, right thing this week.  She’s helping raise her grandkids after they lost their mom. Their dad, her son, is a firefighter and gone three days at a time each week, so she steps in. 

The younger granddaughter left the house with friends without telling anyone… and left her phone at home. My friend kept her cool, set a boundary, explained the why, and sent the friends home. Later, her grandson said, “You’re so aura.” (Which I think means, “so cool”.)  And still… she felt that wobble. 

Confident and unsure. Loving and firm. Solid and tender.  The wobble when you’ve intentionally made someone you love unhappy, but/and you’re doing it for the right reason.  And yet, your heart is dancing rock’n’roll because your teenage grandson thinks you’ve got serious presence. If you’ve ever stood on that line between two truths, I get it. I live there too. Two truths can be true at the same time.

We like our lives neat…orderly. Yes or no. Right or wrong. But real life is both/and. We love them and we take the keys. We’re grateful for the job and also bone-tired. We move to a new state and miss the family and old friends in the old one. We’re superhuman and still need somebody occasionally to sit beside us while we cry.

Here’s the human part underneath it:

• Mixed emotions are normal. Our brains can feel proud and anxious at once. That tension can feel draining, but it can also help us judge situations more accurately when we don’t rush to either extreme. Researchers call it emotional ambivalence, and it can actually sharpen judgment in complex moments.  

• Cognitive dissonance explains the “itch.” When what we value (keep kids safe) clashes with what we want (be the fun grandma), our minds look for relief. That uneasy “Did I do the right thing?” feeling is textbook dissonance. Naming it helps it pass.  

• A paradox mindset is a superpower. People who practice holding contradictions without rushing to pick a side tend to adapt better and make steadier choices over time. “Yes, I’m firm. Yes, I’m loving.” Both.

• Granularity calms the system. Getting precise about feelings ... not just “bad,” but “torn, protective, tired, hopeful” ... gives the brain more options than fight or flee. It’s a skill you can build.

So, back to my friend. She did the right thing. Her grandson naming his pride didn’t erase her wobble, and it didn’t need to. Both truths belonged.

Here are a few other everyday contradictions I see in my world and yours:

• Grief and joy at the same table. We laugh at a story during the memorial and cry during the drive home. Both are honest.  

• Boundaries and love. Saying no to a last-minute request and texting, “I love you, I can help Friday.”

• Confidence and learning. Leading a meeting like a boss and asking three smart questions you don’t know the answers to.

• Parenting and friendship with adult kids. Cheering their independence and feeling useless sometimes.

• Caregiving and resentment. Serving someone you adore and also wishing you could disappear for a day.

• New beginning and homesick heart. Choosing the move and missing the old neighborhood, the friends, the trees….

If you like the Enneagram like I do, you may recognize the tendency of your wobble:

• Type 1s can feel relief at setting the rule… and guilt for not being gentler.

• Type 2s feel loving… and resentful when they over-give.

• Type 3s feel successful… and afraid it’s never enough.

• Type 4s feel deeply connected… and a little offbeat in the very same hour.

• Type 5s feel clear… and overwhelmed by too many asks.

• Type 6s feel loyal… and suspicious of their own decision.

• Type 7s feel thrilled… and already bored.

• Type 8s feel protective… and worry they were too strong.

• Type 9s feel peaceful… and guilty they avoided the hard talk.

What helps when your heart is pulling in two directions?

1. Name both truths out loud. “I’m proud of how I handled that… and I’m still second-guessing myself.” That sentence takes the pressure down.

2. Ask one grounding question. “Given what I value most here, what’s the next right step?” That re-aligns actions with values and eases the dissonance itch.

3. Get more precise. Swap “I feel bad” for “I feel protective and a little depleted.” Precision opens options. Water. Walk. Call a friend. Adjust the plan.

4. Practice both/and on purpose. Try it in small moments. “I’m disappointed this changed… and curious about what might be better.” You’re building a paradox muscle you’ll use when life gets BIG and this is a huge benefit for each of us.

5. Let love lead. Firm does not mean cold. Love can be soft and it can be steel. My friend was both. That’s the whole point.

If you’re in a period with a lot of contradictions, you’re not broken. No, not at all.  This is what it means to be human. You’re growing your capacity to hold what’s real… and true. That capacity is what makes wise people steady in storms and generous when they could be brittle.

Today, I’m choosing both/and. Proud and learning. Grateful and ready to nap. Firm and loving. 

Love is ALL there is, 

Diana