Unity - It's Personal!

Feb 04, 2021

Unity – It’s Personal!

With all the talk of division and unity, I’ve been thinking about my own life and how division and unity play into it. I believe that when I figure out how to understand and process my own problems, divisions, and quandaries, I more fully understand our social divisions and possible solutions.

What comes up for me is the loss of a friendship sometime ago. No doubt that this experience was a defining moment in my life and profoundly affected me.

My lifetime friend, whom I’ll call “Dorothy”, was kind and supportive…and always, always there for me and I for her. I considered her my family…my sister, actually…. and I know she felt the same.

The details are not important here (more on this in a future blog). The point is, we hurt one another deeply, broke promises to one another and betrayed each other, something we did not do intentionally, nor did we EVER think we would do to each other. I was devastated. I’m guessing she was too.

All the years of childhood playing, teenage mischief, marriage, children, divorce, love, comforting each other in loss, agony and pain, secret sharing, and sheer exhilaration gave way to, or probably contributed to, the pain of our division.

Unfortunately for us, there was no working through the problem because one side was not open to it – too angry, ashamed and/or too painful. And through time, the other side realized too much time had passed and too much trust was lost.

I get it now and am so aware of how these massive feelings are very scary to confront and work through.

So here we are, having not spoken for many years… and I’m not sure about Dorothy, but for me, it doesn’t feel necessary or beneficial anymore.

However, I also realized years ago that I had to find a way to work through my own immense feelings of grief, anger and disappointment without Dorothy, so that this experience would not control my feelings, self-esteem, decisions, and actions.

Believe me when I say that I have analyzed the actual experience and our friendship the previous year, a thousand times. These are some of the hard realizations that I came to:

  1. I had my full share of responsibility in the division of this once beautiful friendship. I needed to own it.
  2. When I am participating in something that makes me feel “bad” about myself, even if it also makes me feel good, I’m out of alignment and need to step back, seeking support and help, if needed,
  3. It’s vital to regularly stop and reflect on how I spend my time and who I spend it with. For example, because I knew Dorothy so well, loved her, trusted her, etc. I allowed myself to believe that everything we chose to do was simply fine, because it was HER, and we were doing it together.
    • In retrospect, I noticed that when she was around, we were sitting around eating too much, talking and not always about positive stuff, drinking and gambling.
    • This was not me or at least not who I wanted to be! I knew this about myself, but I did it anyway.
    • Please know that I am not saying “this” was Dorothy, that is for her to say. I’m looking at ME.
  4. I had become stagnant and I had plenty of valid reasons to justify it – but I now know they were excuses. Dorothy was stagnant too. Our friendship was stagnant, and we were no longer helping each other be our best – which was always important to me.

I processed all of this over the years and through it all, I felt love, care and kindness towards Dorothy. I came to the realization that even though it was extremely hard to let Dorothy go, perhaps it was a precious gift to each of us.

I wrote letters that were never sent forgiving Dorothy for everything she did to hurt and betray me. I wrote letters to myself forgiving me for all the things I did to hurt and betray Dorothy and myself.

It didn’t happen overnight, matter of fact, it took some amount of time for me to transform our division into my own form of unity. I have forgiven myself, re-unified with my own values, beliefs and spirit. I have forgiven Dorothy and am unified with her spirit, knowing there is a deep, unspoken love and care between us.

Division and unity are wrought with high emotion, strange perceptions, and massive egos. Both sides must be willing to confront hard truths, work through pain, and trust that all involved strive for a similar outcome.

However, if that is not possible this time, to work through issues with others, we can find ways to process the experience ourselves, forgive with love, align with our higher values, and unify with the One that connects us all.

Unification is the opposite of division, it is the coming together, connection with something else. While Dorothy and I do not talk with one another or hang in the same physical location, I wish her the best that life has to offer and know that at times, our spirits still mingle.

Love is All There Is!   


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