The Lies We Live By - Unpacking the Beliefs That Hold You Back

beliefs empowerment self-awareness Jan 07, 2025

"The only limits to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today." — Franklin D. Roosevelt

Have you ever stopped to consider the beliefs quietly steering the ship of your life? The ones you absorbed without question as a child, shaping how you see yourself and the world? For me, these beliefs ran deep, shaped by my experiences growing up in the 1950s and 60s. As I’ve reflected on them, I’ve learned how powerful they are in influencing how we show up in the world—and how liberating it can be to challenge and reshape them.

The Origins of Deep-Seated Beliefs

Many of our beliefs form in childhood, born from what we observe, what we’re told, and how we interpret our experiences. They’re often handed to us by our families, shaped by cultural norms, or silently absorbed from society. For me, growing up in a time when women were often expected to manage the home while men took on the workforce, I saw strong, independent women—my mother and grandmother—relinquish much of their power, dreams, and opinions to men.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I absorbed a set of beliefs about the role of women, wives, and mothers: Women cooked, cleaned, and cared for children, while men worked, handled the yard, and fixed the cars. Over time, I internalized something even deeper and more heartbreaking—that others were more important than me, that I wasn’t worthy, and that rejection could happen at any moment.

This belief showed up in so many areas of my life, but one of the most striking examples was in my early leadership career. When I had one of my first school leadership roles, my direct boss—an older male—was inappropriate in many ways and often demeaned me by speaking disrespectfully to me in front of colleagues, community members, and even our staff. As direct and confident as I was, I found it difficult to stand up to him. Looking back, I realize this was tied to my deep-seated belief about respecting elders and keeping quiet, even when I disagreed or knew something was unfair.

It all came to a head in a high-profile community meeting where I had secured a large grant for our school that would benefit the community and, most importantly, our students. During the meeting, he spoke to me in a way that discounted my efforts and undermined me publicly. Then, he left the meeting early.

Something inside me finally snapped. I followed him out to his vehicle and, with my heart pounding, told him that if he ever spoke to me like that again, I would report his behavior through the proper channels. I made it clear that his treatment of me was unacceptable. He knew I had legitimate concerns and, guess what? He never spoke to me unprofessionally again.

That moment was a turning point. It was the first time I fully recognized the power of these deep-seated beliefs and how they were influencing my actions—or, in this case, my inaction. It kick-started my journey of reflecting on those ingrained messages we carry without even realizing it.

The truth is, even as I grew older and became educated, these beliefs were so deeply embedded in me that I often found myself stepping into the old "story." It wasn’t even always about the men in my life expecting me to behave a certain way—I believed it deep in my core. I’d catch myself falling into these patterns, even when I knew better. And yet, there it was, tugging at me. I had to become aware of it and consciously check myself. Sometimes, I had to put my big girl panties on and summon the courage to do things differently, even when I feared rejection.

This has been a lifelong journey for me. I’ve worked hard on it, and I’m proud to say I’m pretty damn good at it now. But every once in a while, it still pops up. And yes, occasionally I still fall for it. But I don’t beat myself up over it anymore. Instead, I laugh at myself, note the moment, and move forward.

The Impact of Beliefs on How We Show Up

These ingrained beliefs often work silently in the background, influencing how we interact with others, the choices we make, and even how we see ourselves.

For example, Oprah Winfrey has spoken openly about growing up in poverty and feeling unworthy of success due to her circumstances. For years, this belief drove her to overcompensate, seeking approval and working tirelessly to prove her value. It wasn’t until she reframed her beliefs and embraced her worth—regardless of external validation—that she stepped into her power as a global icon.

Serena Williams, too, faced limiting beliefs. Criticized for showing emotion on the tennis court, she absorbed the societal message that her passion was “anger” and had to be suppressed to gain acceptance. Over time, she dismantled this narrative, using her platform to challenge double standards and empower herself to express her full humanity. Her journey teaches us that challenging our beliefs isn’t just about personal growth; it can inspire broader change.

15 Common Beliefs We Carry

Here are some common beliefs—a mix of healthy and unhealthy—that many of us carry, often unconsciously. Some may resonate more with older generations, while others reflect modern experiences:

Children should be seen and not heard (unhealthy)
Work hard, and you’ll succeed (healthy, but can become unhealthy if overemphasized)
Women’s primary role is to care for the home and children (unhealthy)
Men shouldn’t cry or show emotion (unhealthy)
Always respect your elders, no matter what (healthy but situational)
Asking for help is a sign of weakness (unhealthy)
You have to earn love (unhealthy)
It’s selfish to put yourself first (unhealthy)
You can’t trust anyone (unhealthy)
Money is the root of all evil (unhealthy)
If you’re not busy, you’re lazy (unhealthy)
Family always comes first (healthy but situational)
Follow your passion, and the money will follow (healthy but not always practical)
Social media defines your worth (unhealthy)
Older people are wise by default (unhealthy when taken at face value)

Take a moment to reflect on which of these beliefs you hold, and whether they’re serving or limiting you.

Cultivating Awareness

The first step in changing our beliefs is recognizing them. These questions can help uncover the beliefs shaping your life:

Where did this belief come from?
Is this belief truly mine, or is it inherited?
How does this belief serve or limit me?

Journaling or meditating on these questions can bring hidden beliefs to light. For me, it took years to realize how much my childhood observations about women’s roles and my feelings of unworthiness were influencing my choices. By examining them, I could begin to understand their origins and how they were affecting my life.

Reflecting and Choosing What to Keep

Once we’ve identified our beliefs, the next step is deciding whether to keep them. Just because a belief has been with us for decades doesn’t mean it belongs to us now.

For instance, I’ve kept the strength and independence I saw in my mother and grandmother, but I’ve let go of the idea that my value lies in always putting others before myself. Reflecting on these beliefs, I asked myself:

Does this belief align with my values today?
Does it bring me closer to the life I want to live?

By focusing on these questions, we can separate the empowering beliefs from the limiting ones.

Letting Go and Moving Forward

Letting go of a belief isn’t always easy, but it’s incredibly freeing. Here are a few ways to release beliefs that no longer serve you:

Reframe Negative Self-Talk: Replace limiting beliefs with affirmations. For example, change “I’m not worthy” to “I am enough, just as I am.”
Symbolic Acts: Write down the belief you want to release, then tear up the paper or burn it safely as a symbolic gesture of letting go.
Create New Mantras: Develop statements that align with the life you’re creating. For instance, “My voice matters” or “I deserve to take up space.”
Seek Support: Whether through therapy, coaching, or conversations with trusted friends, sharing your journey can provide clarity and encouragement.

Letting go isn’t about erasing the past but about giving yourself permission to grow beyond it.

Our beliefs shape our lives, but they don’t define us. By reflecting on where they came from and how they’ve influenced us, we can decide which ones to carry forward and which to leave behind. This process is an act of courage, self-love, and growth.

What belief is quietly guiding your life? What’s one step you can take to explore whether it’s truly yours? Share your thoughts—I’d love to hear your story.

Diana

Take a moment to explore your beliefs with this simple exercise:

Write down one belief you inherited from your family or society.
Reflect on how it shows up in your life today. Is it serving or limiting you?
Decide: Will you keep, modify, or let go of this belief? Write down your choice and why.
If you choose to let go, write a goodbye letter to the belief. Thank it for its role in your life and release it.