Rewriting My Story From Fear of Abandonment to Self-Compassion

There are moments in life when something just clicks. You gain insight into yourself that changes how you see the world—and your place in it. For me, that moment came through the lens of the Enneagram. I lead as a Type 4, and have always been deeply in tune with my emotions. But it wasn’t until I started really seeing myself through the Enneagram that I understood how much of my identity was shaped by my deepest fear: abandonment.

It’s easy to say, “This is just who I am,” and for many years, that’s exactly how I coped with the intensity of my emotions. Being sensitive, feeling rejected, internalizing blame—it all felt like it was just part of my personality. But the truth is, I had built protective walls around myself without fully realizing that they weren’t necessary anymore.

One of my most formative memories goes back to when I was just four years old. My father left our family, and I only saw him a handful of times after that. We were so close. I remember following him around everywhere, except to work, and thinking the world of him. Then, one innocent comment at dinner—mentioning that I had seen my dad kiss a pretty lady at a restaurant—changed everything. Within days, he was gone. I was devastated. I spent months waiting outside for him to come home, and when he didn’t, I began to wonder if I had caused it. That’s when I started carrying the burden of shame and guilt, feeling like I was the one who broke my family.

For years, that fear of abandonment followed me, quietly influencing my relationships. I never fully realized it, but each time I perceived someone pulling away, it triggered that old hurt. I’d find myself feeling overly sensitive to small slights, afraid to let people see how much it hurt. I became an expert at hiding my feelings, worried that if I revealed too much, they’d leave too.

How the Enneagram Shone Light on My Shadows

When I discovered the Enneagram, it didn’t immediately fix everything, but it did give me a new way to see myself. It helped me realize that my intense emotions weren’t just random waves I had to ride out—they had a source, and that source was deeply tied to my fear of abandonment. As a Type 4, I often leaned into my feelings, believing that they were the most authentic part of who I am. But through the Enneagram, I began to understand that while my emotions were important, they didn’t have to control me. I had more agency than I realized.

One of the most important lessons I learned was that my identity wasn’t fixed in stone. The old narrative of "this is just who I am" no longer fit. I saw that there were reasons behind my feelings of shame and rejection, and that by shining a light on these shadow parts of myself, I could begin to see the truth more clearly. The Enneagram gave me the space to reflect on my fears in an objective and non-judgmental way. Instead of hiding from those hard truths, I learned to sit with them—allowing myself to observe my pain without getting lost in it.

It wasn’t always easy. Looking at the darkest parts of myself—those fears of abandonment, the shame I carried for years—took time. But as I leaned into my Type 4 strengths—introspection, creativity, and a deep desire for authenticity—I was able to start working through those difficult feelings with compassion. I began to see that my fear of abandonment wasn’t the defining factor of who I was. It was just a part of my story, not the whole narrative.

From Fear to Compassionate Self-Awareness

Over time, the Enneagram helped me create new patterns. One of the biggest changes came when my children started growing up and becoming more independent. In the past, their natural need to pull away would have triggered all of my abandonment fears. But now, I had a tool to help me understand why I was feeling the way I did. Instead of reacting, I could pause and reflect. I could see that their independence wasn’t about rejecting me; it was a natural part of life. This simple shift in perspective changed everything.

The Pandemic and Reemergence of Old Feelings

The pandemic made everything harder. I had just moved to a different city than my son, and although we often saw each other at work, the pandemic put a stop to that. Suddenly, I found myself feeling incredibly isolated. Life felt stagnant, and then I learned that my son had grown close to a woman who lived in his neighborhood. She was a writer, just like he was—and so am I—but she was already published. It brought up a lot of feelings for me.

At first, I tried to brush it off as pandemic blues or boredom, but the truth was, those old, familiar emotions of jealousy and possessiveness came roaring back. I didn’t want to feel that way, but I couldn’t shake it. It felt like I was being replaced, and those big feelings stuck with me for a long time.

But with the help of the Enneagram, I eventually realized that these feelings weren’t really about her or even the situation—they were tied to my fear of abandonment. Once I could trace the root of those emotions back to that deep-seated issue, I was able to stop blaming myself for feeling jealous and possessive. It wasn’t easy, and it took time, but recognizing the source of my emotions allowed me to work through them with more honesty and compassion.

Working Through Your Shadows with the Enneagram

If you find yourself feeling stuck in old patterns—whether it’s fear of abandonment, rejection, or something else—there is a way forward. The Enneagram offers a path to self-understanding that goes beyond simply accepting "this is just who I am." It allows you to see the reasons behind your behavior and gives you tools to work through your hardest feelings with honesty and compassion.

Here are a few ways you can start working through those shadows:

• Recognize the pattern. When a strong emotion hits, ask yourself: “Where is this coming from?” The more you track the source of your feelings, the more you’ll see patterns that go back to earlier experiences.

• Look with curiosity, not judgment. It’s easy to be hard on ourselves when we react in ways we wish we didn’t. But instead of judgment, try approaching your feelings with curiosity. What is your fear or pain trying to tell you? Be kind to yourself as you explore these emotions.

• Reframe the story. Once you recognize the old narrative, ask yourself: “Is this really true?” You may find that the story you’ve been telling yourself is based on past experiences that no longer apply to your present situation.

• Develop compassionate self-talk. Changing your inner dialogue is powerful. When those fears or insecurities come up, speak to yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend.

• Stay open to growth. The work of healing is ongoing, but every step forward matters. Be patient with yourself as you move through the process.

The Enneagram helped me break free from old survival tactics that no longer served me. It allowed me to shine a light on my fears, acknowledge them, and work through them with compassion. If you’ve ever felt curious about why you react the way you do, or if you’re ready to explore your own growth, the Enneagram might just be the tool you need. It’s an invitation to know yourself better and, in turn, to live more authentically.

Love is ALL there is,

Diana

And if you want a place to rewrite your own story, join us in Enneagram Conversations. It’s a space to explore, reflect, and grow — no matter where you’re starting from.

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