Reflections of a Loser

Feeling It

The results are in, and Trump’s won by a hair—a hair on a gnat’s ass, barely, but enough. I feel it deep in my body, this dread. A pit in my stomach. A heartbreak that feels raw and heavy. Disappointment, fear, confusion, anger. Tears.

This country is divided, almost cleanly in half. And I don’t even know what that means anymore. It’s clear that something has to give, that a change has to happen. But the kind of change that’s coming? It scares the hell out of me.

I’m struggling here, trying to feel any respect for our new president and vice president. Trying to find even a sliver of trust in them—and it’s just not there. I don’t have faith in our system anymore – really either side. It feels like it’s rotting from the inside, driven by extreme wealth and power, manipulated behind the scenes. Maybe the whole thing needs to be dismantled and rebuilt. That feels both true and impossible.

Where Do We Go from Here?

At the end of the day, I believe most of us in this country want the same things. We want safety, connection, a sense of belonging. But here we are, split down the middle, with each side sure that their way is the only way forward. How do we get through this? How do we come together as one nation, really, when we’re starting from such a divided place?

I’m doing my best here to keep my focus on solutions. Not to let myself get lost in anger or drown in negativity…or sadness. I don’t want to fall into hate, to let fear and grief take over my heart.

The Universe has to be trying to tell us something here, but most of us, including me, are so caught in our smallness, our egos, that we can’t see it. What’s the message we’re missing?

So here I am, once again, praying for some kind of guidance, some clarity on how to move forward. This is one of those hard, big lessons—the kind that asks me to step outside of my own small self and reach for something bigger, something that includes the all. But how? How do I step outside my own fear, my own ego, and think about the common good? Part of me wants to just run away from it all.

What’s blocking me? I keep coming back to this feeling that the “other side” is willing to take away freedoms, especially from those who are different or vulnerable. It feels like they’re overtly valuing dollars over people, profits over lives. I’ve watched their leader bully, insult, and belittle people who don’t fit his mold. His actions and behaviors have given an “unsaid” permission to others to do the same…and we’re seeing it everywhere.  I’ve heard it from my own friends and family, words I didn’t think I’d ever hear from them. How can they not see where this is going? How can they stand by this?

And no, I don’t think that every single one of them thinks or acts this way**. I know they don’t.** But their leader sure as hell does, and that’s what keeps me up at night.

How Will I Show Up?

So where does that leave me? How do I choose to show up in this new world? How do I make sure I’m not part of the problem but somehow part of the solution?

Right now, I feel vulnerable and exposed, and yeah, terrified of what’s coming—for this country, for my community, for the people I love.

How do we start to rebuild any sense of trust in each other? I don’t have answers....yet—just a lot of questions. But if we don’t figure this out together, what’s the alternative?

Just for today, I'm going to allow myself to grieve - to be scared, sad, mad, disappointed, confused. Today, I am a loser.  Tomorrow, I'll rise, gather my courage, figure it out, and be back in the game again.

Sending Love and Light,

Diana

Love is ALL there is