True Grit and the Gift of Friendship: How the Enneagram Changed My Perception

Over 25 years ago, I met someone who would become one of the most important people in my life, though I didn’t know it at the time. We worked together, and, to be honest, we weren’t too sure of each other at first. Her name is Sylviana, but I often call her Syl…her family calls her Sib. She was my boss, and let’s just say we didn’t always see eye to eye. She demonstrated the intensity and control of what I now know to be strong Enneagram Type 8 traits—reactive, commanding, and very much in charge. But she was loved by our students. And me. I had been deeply immersed in personal development for years but hadn’t yet discovered the Enneagram. Like her, I was passionate about my work, a high achiever, and led with my own strong-willed tendencies—just in a quieter way.

Learning to Work Together

Then, one day, the big boss decided to put us in equal leadership roles over two different divisions that were highly integrated. We had no choice but to figure out how to work together. There were moments when things got heated—Syl was way louder than I was (she comes from a BIG Italian/Mexican family - it's her birthright) — but over time, we evolved. We learned to respect one another, to work well together, and, to our surprise, even grew to like each other…a lot.

As we started to trust one another, we realized how much we could learn from each other. I began to focus more on the personal struggles our students were dealing with while trying to learn, while Syl started to see the value in setting clear expectations and boundaries. Together, we became so much more—better leaders, better educators, and ultimately, better for our students.

Navigating Life’s Challenges

Before I knew it, it felt like we were family. We traveled for business together, shared countless road trips filled with laughter—some so hard that we literally peed ourselves. We cried together, comforted each other through tough times, and revealed both our brightest and deepest selves. Slowly, Syl began to open up to me. We shared our most intimate secrets and guarded them fiercely for one another, creating a bond built on loyalty and trust. She saw me at my worst, and I stood by her through hers.

Eventually, I changed jobs and moved away, and naturally, things shifted. We still stayed in touch, talking fairly regularly, but the closeness of daily interactions faded a bit. Then, about six years ago, life really started to overwhelm both of us, and through my eyes, our friendship hit some bumpy spots.

I had begun to rely too heavily on Syl, though I didn’t realize it at the time. Despite the fact that we only spoke or saw each other about once a month, I had become somewhat dependent on her support. That’s a hard thing to admit. Over the years, she had demonstrated such strong, healthy Enneagram Type 2 characteristics—supportive, loving, and encouraging while still holding up a mirror for what I needed to see—and I leaned into that a little too much.

As life piled on, I felt her withdraw. At the time, she was dealing with a mountain of challenges: severe health issues, her daughter’s health struggles, the traumatic and sudden loss of her brother, and eventually the adjustment to her husband’s retirement. On top of that, she was navigating the stress and responsibility of running a business with her sisters through the pandemic. It was an overwhelming and relentless series of hardships that would have crushed anyone. Here I was, in the middle of my own changes—moving in with my partner, dealing with his serious health struggles, pandemic loneliness, my son’s near-death experience, adjusting to life in a new state for the first time, and coping with the loss of my own brother. We were too much for each other through a lot of this time frame—perhaps she knew that—but it took me some time.

Shifting Perception with the Enneagram

Even though I knew Syl was going through so much, I had feelings of disappointment and rejection by her withdrawal. As a Type 4, that feeling of rejection hit me hard, and I took it personally. But I was compelled to keep reaching out to reconnect occasionally.. I called, I texted—sometimes without a response for months. Then, out of the blue, she would call, and we’d talk for hours, catching up like nothing had changed. But I couldn’t shake the resentment that had started to build. It felt like I was the only one putting in the effort, and I began to wonder if she really cared. Which was nonsense, of course, because deep down, I knew she did. Still, I felt guilty for feeling that way—I knew better. I understood what she was going through, yet I couldn’t help but feel hurt.

As I continued to work through my feelings, the Enneagram helped me see the situation from a different perspective. I realized I was projecting my own needs onto Syl and that my feelings of rejection were more about me than about her. I had been going through my own things and withdrawing just as much as she had. The chatter in my head started to quiet, and I forgave her for what I had perceived as a slight—but truly wasn’t. She was going through her own BIG struggles. I accepted where we were in our lives and chose to be grateful for the incredible friend she had been—and still was.

I practiced putting the empathy I felt for her ahead of my own feelings. Syl was navigating grief, stress, immense physical pain, and unimaginable pressures, and I realized I didn’t want to add to her burden. And still, she always asked about me, even when I knew she was going through hell. She never dumped her challenges on me unless I asked, and I learned to ask very specifically about each area of her life because she wouldn’t bring it up herself. I chose to feel gratitude for her friendship instead of loss or rejection.

True Grit, Friendship, and Growth

Syl is one of the strongest people I know, and that’s why I look up to her so much. Whether she’s leading from a healthy Type 8 or Type 2, it’s clear that she has more resilience and tenacity than most people could ever imagine. She has true grit. She’s fierce, direct, and courageously faces what life throws at her. But what truly amazes me is how her faith in God sustains her through every challenge. She faces life’s hardships with a deep trust in God’s plan, and the strength of her faith inspires me. Even in the face of life-threatening health challenges, her faith has never wavered, and I feel profoundly grateful every day that she’s still with us, a true miracle in my life.

Despite everything she’s been through, Syl has always managed to hold space for me and accept me with all my baggage. There’s no truer friend than that. Her motto, “grace, grit, and gratitude,” isn’t just words—it’s how she lives every single day, guided by her unwavering faith.

Through all the highs and lows, she’s someone I will cherish until our last breaths, and I know the feeling is mutual. The Enneagram has played a huge role in this relationship, giving me the ability to shift my perception and let go of the stories I was telling myself. Watching how Syl lives her life with such grace and deep faith has taught me so much about letting go and trusting the process. This small change in how I viewed our friendship has been one of the biggest personal growth moments for me. It’s a reminder that relationships ebb and flow, and real connection doesn’t fade just because life gets hard.

Diana

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