The Power of Perspective - How Understanding Myself Strengthened My Relationships

emotional intelligence enneagram and relationships personal growth Sep 24, 2024

The Enneagram has been an incredible tool for deepening my relationships and improving how I communicate with others. It’s not just about understanding myself—it’s about recognizing the unique traits and motivations of the people I love and care about. Over the years, I’ve found countless ways to apply it, and it’s made such a difference in my personal life.

Relationships:

The Enneagram has deeply influenced how I approach my relationships. Whether with family, friends, or clients, it has given me a deeper understanding of what motivates the people around me. In the past, I would often respond from my own perspective, assuming others saw things the same way I did. However, the Enneagram has shown me that each person views the world through a different lens—one shaped by their type. This insight has been invaluable. It’s helped me become more empathetic, patient, and intentional in my interactions.

A huge part of this journey has been knowing myself better and being aware of my own triggers and baggage. I’ve learned that when these old emotions or stories come up, I must set them aside during conversations. Most of the time, they have nothing to do with what’s happening right now and can turn everything sideways if I’m not careful. By recognizing when my own baggage is trying to interfere, I can stay present and deal with it later, which helps me stay grounded and respond more thoughtfully.

With My Daughter:

One of the most impactful relationships the Enneagram has improved is the one I have with my daughter. Understanding her Enneagram type has been a game-changer, especially during those tough, emotional conversations. In the past, I might have reacted based on my own feelings or taken things personally that had nothing to do with me, but now, I’ve learned to take a step back and think about what she needs in the moment—whether that’s space to process, reassurance that I’m there for her, or simply someone to listen without judgment. This understanding has not only brought us closer but has also made our relationship more balanced and supportive.

Through my own growth, I see my daughter so differently now. I see her truth—the beauty of her soul—and I recognize her for who she truly is: a unique, strong, and wise woman continually evolving in her own right. She isn’t perfect—none of us are—but in my eyes, she is perfection in her own way. As mothers, we can sometimes focus on the ways our daughters still need to grow and change, but I’ve realized that’s not helpful or supportive. What matters is seeing and celebrating her as she is, without trying to mold her into something else. That’s the gift I’ve been given with my daughter—seeing her perfection, even in her imperfections, and honoring the remarkable woman she’s become.

I’ve learned to set my own feelings of rejection aside when they arise, understanding that they often aren’t the truth. I step back, reflect, and choose not to let old patterns cloud my vision. It’s not just about being patient and understanding her—it’s also about being aware of myself. I remind myself that the blocks I had as a child no longer serve me, and I let go of the stories I’ve carried. This allows me to show up fully for my daughter and see the pure soul standing before me.

Sending Cards and Letters:

One of the most meaningful moments with one of my most special-ist and closest friends, Karen, who now lives hundreds of miles away, happened when she called me while going through her old boxes. She sent me pictures of the handwritten cards I had sent her over the years. Karen shared how much those cards had meant to her—no one else had known her as well or connected with her as deeply. She expressed her gratitude for the thought and care that went into our friendship, which was incredibly touching. Karen is a Type 9, sometimes oblivious to things, but the depth of our connection has always been there, and the cards were a reflection of that. She reminded me that I had been a good friend, even during times when life and distance might have pulled us apart.

Our friendship has weathered a few bumps in the road, as all long relationships do. But Karen and I have always chosen to work through those moments because we truly value the bond we share and wish it to grow even stronger. Knowing our Enneagram types has been a big part of that. As a Type 4, I’m sensitive and introspective and sometimes feel the need to point out what she might not see, but Karen’s peaceful and accepting Type 9 nature always brings us back to a place of understanding. We’ve both put the work in and the little things—like sending cards—have helped us stay connected through the years and across the miles.

I’ve always loved sending handwritten cards and letters as a way to stay close to the people I care about. Over time, I’ve found that considering the Enneagram types of the people I’m writing to allows me to personalize each message even more in a way that speaks directly to them. For someone like Karen, it’s the consistent thoughtfulness and connection that resonates. I'll acknowledge my Type 2 friends' caring nature and the way they support others, while with Harold, my Type 6 partner, I’ll offer reassurance and encouragement to trust his instincts. The Enneagram has helped me tailor my words to what others need, and those small gestures can make a big impact on keeping a friendship strong.

With Friends:

The Enneagram has also helped me navigate my friendships in a more intentional way. We all have different needs, and by knowing my friends’ types, I can show up for them in ways that truly matter. With Karen, my Type 9 friend, I know she sometimes hesitates to share her thoughts or speak up, so I make a point to encourage her and remind her that her voice matters. It’s about creating space for her to feel seen and heard. On the other hand, my friend Nancy is a Type 3, and she thrives on acknowledgment and achievement. I make sure to celebrate her wins and successes, but I also gently remind her to slow down, take a breath, and savor the moments between accomplishments. It's a balance between being a supportive friend and helping my friends grow in ways that are most meaningful to them.

Resolving Conflicts:

We all face conflict in life, and I’ve certainly had my fair share. However, the Enneagram has helped me approach disagreements—whether with family or friends—with a greater sense of understanding. Instead of reacting from a place of frustration, I now consider the other person’s type and what they might be experiencing. This has been especially helpful with my partner, Harold, who leads from Type 6. Whether he realizes it or not, Harold has been a BIG mirror for me, reflecting my own issues back to me and helping me see myself more clearly.

It hasn’t always been easy to figure out how to show up for Harold in a way that makes sense to him, with his deep need for security and reassurance, while still staying true to my Type 4 self, with my need for authenticity and emotional depth. Our communication styles often differ—he’s practical and cautious, while I lean more into the emotional and expressive side of things—but we’re learning. I’ve found that when conflicts arise, understanding how his Type 6 mind processes fear and doubt has allowed me to be more patient and offer the stability he craves. In return, he’s helped me see where my own fears of rejection or emotional withdrawal come into play.

We’re both committed to putting in the effort, and though we don’t always get it right, we’re making our way, learning how to communicate better and grow together.

The Enneagram has also made a big difference in how I handle conflicts with my children. When emotions run high, I can now see things from their perspective and adapt my communication accordingly. It doesn’t mean I always get it right, but it’s definitely improved the way we resolve issues and find common ground.

The Enneagram has been an invaluable tool for helping me navigate relationships with more understanding, empathy, and intention. By recognizing my own tendencies and the unique perspectives of those I care about, I’ve been able to build deeper connections and resolve conflicts in healthier ways. Whether it’s in the way I communicate with my daughter, support my friends, or navigate conflicts with my partner, the Enneagram has given me the insight to show up as my best self. As I continue to grow and evolve, I know the Enneagram will remain a guiding tool in how I nurture the connections I hold dear.

Love is ALL There is!

Diana