But I Get Up Again...and Again

Living a few years on this planet, I’ve learned some big lessons that have changed me and my outlook on life. The pandemic and the overall political atmosphere over the last year and a half has been challenging for all of us and catastrophic for some. Many people picked up the ball and ran and some of us took shelter and tried to make sense of things that didn’t fit. I was one of the latter.

Thankfully, eternal truths have a way of letting you know they’re still around and still true – yes, eternal. Not that I forgot them, because I did not. However, I found that I re-learned them in a deeper sense… profoundly rooted in context and love.

Compelled to quickly share these  “re-learnings”, I have to say I’m more excited to demonstrate and write how they’ve changed me and how I’ve taken action to live differently because of them (hopefully, you’ll notice that in my future blog posts).

My Big 3

Fear begets fear

Early on in my life I noticed how powerful fear is. We are infiltrated with fear as children and it trickles in throughout our lives – school (what happens if I fail the test or don’t get the assignment done?), jobs, relationships, driving, budgeting, buying or renting a home, not having a place to live, parenting, health and well-being, government, loss, etc. Fear is everywhere.

Pandemically speaking, different types of fear and worry surfaced and often took over our thoughts. Even though I was solid in my foundation of optimism, and focused on positive thoughts and actions, fluidly and unconsciously, fear infiltrated my brain…and my body. I chose not to watch news or talk shows because it was too intense and scary…and I didn’t want it to influence my state-of-mind.

Still, slowly, fear crept in, and I withdrew from life. I worked remotely from home. Rarely talked on the phone. Frequently participating in required Zoom meetings, however my smiles camouflaged my fear-ravaged mind and growing anxiety and depression.
It took me a LONG minute to realize that I had become lonely and fearful.

I did not want to own this little nugget because it’s against my life code. How could I, optimistic Diana, be a fearful person? However, the evidence was right there in front of me.

• I was not motivated at all – no new projects, enthusiasm, writing, creativity.
• I ate my anxiety – fudgesicles gave me comfort and joy and 15 extra pounds!
• I took frequent naps and stayed in my jammies most of the day.
• Walked the floor at night.
• Withdrew from others and it was easy to hide because I lived many miles from my close family and friends, and no one was going anywhere during the pandemic.
• I didn’t care.

Thankfully, I did not think about ending my life, but I did think about not living anymore….and I was okay with that.

However, there were some shreds of ME still there. I took long bubble baths. I listened to soothing music. Sat in silence…a lot. Something in me KNEW I was still there and if I wanted to be happy I needed to change things.

Choosing to be self-aware, to clearly see my reality AND then to make a conscious choice to LIVE my life MY way, forced me to take steps to re-learn what I already knew. I reflected. I read. I talked with my people. I prayed. I meditated. I started seeing (yes, through Zoom) a Life Coach. We made a plan…and she and I held me accountable.

Perhaps I had become a little arrogant in my faith and lazy in my practices, and thankfully GUS (God, Universe, Spirit) gave me the opportunity to experience this path to learn again and more deeply understand the power of fear. It’s big and it’s scary, but I don’t have to give it power.

Honestly, I’m still feeling and healing. I have my great days and my okay days …but I’m reflecting and reviewing my thoughts and actions, catching the fear when it comes up, analyzing its source and choosing to deal with it or dispose of it. It’s a process.

I’m constantly humbled. Just when I think I’m starting to get it, I realize, “not so much”. Life is a series of experiences – highs and lows and everything in-between. Choosing to see the experiences as lessons helps me to learn and grow, which makes my life more meaningful to me. Getting knocked down occasionally or stumbling over myself, helps me to understand that falling and getting up are part of life – part of the process and definitely, part of the game. I get knocked down but I get up again!

I mentioned that I re-learned two other eternal lessons and my next blog will highlight those wonderful gems and my important takeaways from this interesting, but challenging moment in our history –

Coming up…..

• Faith - Everything Will Be Okay
• Love is ALL There Is

Until then, I’m thinking of you, holding you in my heart and wishing the best for all of us.

Love is ALL there is.

Diana